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Dec. 16th, 2004 @ 03:46 am Smash his face on the dashboard and watch it fucking break and bleed...
Mood: predatoryKeep pushing, I'll fuck you up
Tunes: Atreyu
I'm fucking agravated as hell. I FUCKING hate people!!! I just got done reading a lot of fucking SHIT about a lot of fucking things. And I'm sure you fucking guessed it. I'm god damned pissed off!! I'm so fucking done with so fucking many people. It's fucking rediculous the fucking BULL SHIT that I take from people just to be nice. Well fuck all those assholes! I'm fucking done with it. I'm just going to fucking confront anyone who brings up a fucking problem, and if they push me, I'm going to fucking tear out their fucking jugular, and then ram it down their throat. I'm fucking sick of it. People need to straighten the fuck out. I'm fucking done. Theres a grouping of people I'd fucking love to kill more than any other right now. And what's funnier, is I don't personally know them. I just fucking hate them for what they do. Hence the title of this journal... "Smash his face on the dashboard and watch it fucking break and bleed..." And I fucking hope I get the chance. Fuckers...
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Dec. 15th, 2004 @ 05:53 pm I've got all my friends...
Mood: worried...what now?
Tunes: Azure Ray
So I'm horribly lonely right now. The only person I really WANT to talk to right now is out, and I'm worried... None of my friends seem to have time for me. I'm just so scared at this point. *sigh* I love Azure Ray...
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Dec. 14th, 2004 @ 06:32 pm You just can't let it sink in...
Mood: lovedSomeone rescue me...
Tunes: Something Corporate : Forget December
Okay, so I figure I need to update. There's a Jimmy Eat World concert tommorow night. And I really wanna go. :( Umm...I haven't really been doing much. I went to a concert the other night, and discovered this really good Indie/Emo band called Ivy'sReach. My tummy hurts. I really want to go do something tonight. Or tommorow night. I dunno. Maybe Holly or Jess want to hang out with me in the next few days? I dunno. I need to get out a little. I've been downloading a lot of music on LimeWire. I got a bunch of Something Corporate, and some Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I really want to go to a concert and see some screamo bands....I have no idea why... My friend has a 101.1 degree temp. from being outside all night. It was 36 degrees!!!! And do you know WHY she was outside? She was worried about me. So she went to look at stars, and then she fell asleep. *sigh* *shake head* I wish the people who did care about me were closer. Everyone who really cares is at least in another town, if not farther. I am a raccoon. A green one. *nod*
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Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 12:57 am Well, well, well.....
Mood: confusedMaybe I should get to bed soon
Tunes: A bunch of Something Corporate songs I just downloaded...
Some things are working out. Okay, so now I've got someone pissed off at me over a stupid reason that they have no reason to be pissed about. *sigh* Otherwise, things are going well.....not really much to tell here. I'm never going to sleep normally again. Ever. *sigh*
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Dec. 12th, 2004 @ 03:14 am Am I good enough?
Mood: sleepyConfused...
Tunes: Emery : Fractions
Soooo....I am very very tired. Confused. Disoriented. Too much is in my head. I mean, I'm fine. Just a little shaken up. Like a puzzle. *sigh* Okay. I'm not even supposed to be up. So I'm going to lay down. I need someone to take care of me...
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Dec. 11th, 2004 @ 05:14 am Her voice is like a paint brush...
Mood: happyA voice like a paint brush...
Tunes: Straylight Run : Existentialism On Prom Night
I just finished watching The Goonies, and after I watched it, I was lying in my bed thinking, and I had the huest smile on my face. I was happy. I mean, really happy. For the first time in days. Weeks actually. Now I'm sitting here, and I'm sad again. I can't have the things I need to go to sleep right now. Life is confusing of late. I am trying VERY hard to sort out whos there for me and whos not, and it isn't going all that well. Such a good phone conversation today. Or rather, yesterday now. In any case. It took place on December 10th. It was a phonecall that sorted out a lot of things. Not just for me. But for someone else too. And that is important...
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Dec. 10th, 2004 @ 07:59 am I know I should be brave, but I'm just too afraid...
Mood: sickWhy did this happen?
Tunes: Peter Shapiro : A Song For Pete
I hated this morning. I woke up to the sound of my mothers screaming, and the intoxicating scent of vomit filled my nose and my lungs. I choked and spat a little more up, realizing it was my own. I opened my eyes and I cried. I have no idea what happened. When I went to sleep last night, I didn't feel sick. I felt good. Why did this happen?
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Dec. 10th, 2004 @ 01:04 am Well, the future's got me worried such awful thoughts...
Mood: lethargicOut of words...
Tunes: Bright Eyes : Nothing Gets Crossed Out
Well, I just got off the phone from a few hours of conversation. And now I'm talking to someone else...*sigh* I'm NEVER going to sleep again. Anyway...I've sorted a lot out with myself and with other people. I've sang a lot today, and it was very special at one point. Hell, I've used so many words today, I don't know what to say here even. I guess what I said is all there is. Oh, I got a new account on my art site today. Heres a link..
www.carousel-of-pictures.deviantart.com
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Dec. 9th, 2004 @ 04:24 pm No beauty could have come from me. I'm a waste, of breath, of space, of time...
Mood: thoughtfulThe futures got me worried...
Tunes: Bright Eyes : The "Lifted" Album
So, I sat awake all night. I sang Bright Eyes and Straylight Run for three hours or so. There was also some Rocky Votolato, Get Up Kids, and Starting Line...

I didn't even get woken up to go to school today. My mum didn't even bother. I haven't been to school since monday. And last week I only went on Tuesday and Friday, and the week before that I only went Wendsday. Oh well, it really isn't for me. Honestly. I mean, I'll probably get my GED or something, but I can't handle High School. I really just want to be a writer though. I want to write books. I want people to read again. I want there to be more in this world than there is... I have this tiny sliver of hope that I can have some of the things I want. And to be a writer is one of those things. I don't know. Maybe everyone is right. Maybe I wont have a future. Maybe I'm more afraid than anyone to grow up, and that's why this is the way it is. But I'm not afraid of growing. No. I just can't do this the same way everyone else does. And one of the things that I have as a major fault, and something that will never go away, is that I'm always going to rely on others. I mean, not graduating, not getting my liscense. Tiny things like that, and so I'll have to rely on other people...forever. And I hate myself for it. Yet, I wont change it. Because I like myself. I like that I can try to be happy. Even if I never was, or I may or may not be, or may or may never be, I can TRY to be happy. And it's these little things. I don't have to hide from the world. I can just be out there. I don't need a mask. I don't need a bottle. I don't need drugs. It's just these little things. I beleive so much that humanity still exists somewhere in the world. Behind what we can see. So I'll keep reaching for it.

I'm going to leave you with something that someone said to me in the last couple days.

Have you ever looked at your hand? Just looked at it? Moved your fingers and watched how they move? Why do we have fingers? Watch the little lines in your hand move? There's these absolutely simple yet amazing things that we take advantage of every day. Do you ever just...stop. and think about them?
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Dec. 8th, 2004 @ 06:37 pm Let Truth Be Found, In This Underground...
Mood: calmCalm and also...WTF?
Tunes: Flee the Seen
So. My head is a jiggsaw puzzle, and I don't see it going back together easily. So I just want to thank all the people who are actually there when they're needed. And I want to bitch out the people that aren't...... >.<

So I'm just sitting here messing around and talking to people. I have to try to go to sleep normally tonite. I haven't slept but maybe a few hours in the last week or so. And I have to go to school tommorow and Friday. *sigh* I need Friday night plans. Any takers?
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